What I Really Wanted To Say

mouthingoffpicContext: I just returned home from a client’s book launch party and picked up signed copies of the book for some people who were not able to attend.

Colleague (and I use this term loosely here): “I just started reading the book … it’s interesting.”

What I wanted to say: “No Sh** it’s interesting. I only promote highly marketable products and companies. In fact, this author is going to be the next Stephen Covey, but you probably do not even know who that is, so I am not going to waste any more oxygen on this conversation.”

What I said: “I am glad you are enjoying the book. The next launch event/conference will be locally in October.”

Facebook Friend (again, use this term loosely here): “Hi. We have been Facebook friends for some time now, and I wanted to reach out to you and set up a time to discuss how you can introduce me to all of your contacts, so we can determine who is interested in selling my magic coffee beans.”

What I wanted to say: “Who are you? I obviously was on an anti-caffeine kick when I hit accept to friend you on Facebook. I currently have 4 national PR campaigns running and meetings with new clients, so I am not going to give you any of my leftover free time for you to spam people I do business with, who are not interested in your product.”

What I said: “I am sorry, but at this time I do not have time for a phone meeting. However, I will keep you in mind if I run into anyone who wants to get into the MLM business of selling magic coffee beans.”

Context: Facebook friend who tagged me in deep sea fishing excursion trip to promote his company.

Facebook friend: “Are you ready to fish?”

What I wanted to say: “Apparently you do not know me very well, because I tend to get sea sick and vomit on small boats. I don’t know about you, but turning green, throwing up and hanging over a railing for a majority of the afternoon, is really not on my to-do list. If I want fresh fish, I am going to call my cousin in Monterey and ask her to pick some up for me from the pier. In fact, I think I would rather stick a needle in my eyeball than pay to go on the trip you invited me to. P.S. Please stop tagging me to promote your business on Facebook. It’s annoying.”

What I said: “I am not a fan of small boats. Thanks for the invite, but I am going to pass.”

Context: Two competing television stations for a live shot – one saying they are not going to cover if the other shows up.

XYZ News Network: “Is 123 Network going to be there? This may cause a problem.”

What I wanted to say: “First of all, it is 9 p.m. at night. I have spent this evening cleaning up vomit and taking care of a sick child, dealing with 2 clogged toilets and the last thing I want to do is babysit professionals who cannot play nice in the sandbox together. P.S. This is for a non-profit organization and you are both covering the story at different times.”

What I said: “Yes, the other station will be covering. Please keep me posted and have a good night.”


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